1.2.3

So as some you may or may not know, me and Sam are currently going out again... We’re taking things extremely slow, distance is obviously a big factor in the relationship; me living in this county and him living in that one, but we'll make things work somehow.

In our 3 month break I suppose things did happen, well there's no denying that; we both did things & said things but we spoke about them before getting into a relationship, both of our insecurities won't get in the way this time & to be perfectly honest the distant is actually working better, when we meet up we always have plans, so we're not sitting at each other’s homes doing nothing.

Let’s hope it works out this time. <3

Busy busy busy!

Sorry i haven't updated for a little while. Just been busy. I barely have the energy to type this but i will.

Well my life seems to improving a lot it amazes me; I’ve got responsibly and I need to focus on that. I've been window shopping on Right move for houses to rent near London so then when I start my job in July i can get there and back quickly so I can spend time with my little Rebecca. That’s the ideal plan. I know exactly how much I’m getting payed each month but everything that’s in a nice areas seems to be £££££ and everything in a horrible area is ££ hopefully we'll be able to get something half decent even if it’s in Sutton or somewhere! I've also been looking at furniture i thought of buying some now that way when we move we'll have everything we need but then its space to keep a sofa, table ECT...

Rebecca is doing wonderful she’s growing up to a right little madam and she’s not even a teenager yet! (Dreading that part) I just loving every day i get to spend with her.

That’s all I got time for...

Take care xo

home sick

Well-being here is making me miss my family & friends.  Today I didn't have school because my LSA is ill and they couldn't find a LSA what was free, I had a lot of thinking time on my hands you could say. I regret the decisions that I made & the people who I ‘am friends with. By lunch time I was on the phone to my friends Rosie and broke down in tears, I suppose I’m only holding on for the time when I’m finished. Suppose I just want a cuddle of Rebecca well that’s most of the time & some days I just want to do normal teen stuff like going down to the mall going on a shopping spree, have some lunch in time but I suppose that could happen but it would be coming out of my own pocket none of my friends work, saying that neither do I but I still have money going into my bank every month. I suppose I just some Girlie time back in my home town. I need to get through this stage in my life & grow up from the past, what’s happened has happened. 

liars, fakes & pure pathetic.

The title explains all of it. Doesn't it just.

Why would you lie?  Okay everyone tells little white lies in their life for example 'yes I’m fine' when there suffering inside but what makes people lie about having a child? what’s glamour about being a mum... waking up at the crack of dawn, struggling with money, no you time, this list can go on but i just can’t be bothered to drag on and on. A child isn't a dolly, you don't just dress children up and leave them to their own devices do you? You just don't. So earlier I was speaking to my friend Jack who’s studying how the mind works and university his words 'people lie because they want to feel loved, needed and important in these incidences'. I suppose he's true. There must be something in people’s heads which have completely gone wrong maybe there the unloved child. I suppose we're never know because there never give answers. They are scared, frighten to face up to what they did. 

Most people will know who I’m talking about.

‘’Some people lie because they are afraid to admit their wrong...

Some people lie because they don't feel good about themselves...

Some people lie because they want to get something for nothing...

Some people lie because they don't want to take any blame...

Some people tell lies about others, because they want to make others look bad...

Some people lie because they are good in lying...

Some people lie because they have no respect for themselves....

Some people lie because they are not sure of themselves...

Some people tell lies because they want to fool others...

"To Tell Lies Is To Honour Devil".....’’ – Unknown.

I didn't make this blog for everyone

I didn't make a blog for everyone to read, I made it for Rebecca, one day I hope she looks at the blog and sees everything which is written when she's a trouble sum teen so she can see how much her mum actually loves her.. Those arguments are defiantly to come, but you know what as long as she doesn't turn out like me then that's fine. I've given my family so much shit the last through the years but I'm happy to say that I'm actually being good for once in my life.

Today I saw Rebecca, I love days like this when I get to see her on a Sunday, no such things as a lazy Sunday for me, i jumped out of bed and met her at the centre, each time I see her she changes within a matter of days, she's devolving well and I'm happy to have her visits 2 or 3 times a week that's what keeps me going and makes me want to finish school & better the future for us. When i was 8 i always use to say 'i don't like boys, boys are icky' If I kept that up I wouldn't have Rebecca & she the one encourages me to continue with the programme I'm on... when she's that age she will get that drilled into her brain! i don't fancy being a grandma in my 30s no THANKYOU.

So it’s back to meetings, school & more meetings...

Here we go again...

I’ve started so many blogs but I want to start one and keep it up if I can... Let’s see how that works out. Well as most of you know my names Jessica, I have beautiful daughter called Rebecca born on 17th December 2010. My first year of parenthood didn't really go to well, I wasn’t ready well I’m still not now, I’m a kid myself who has a kid, I suffered from depression through the first year of her life not from just being a mother but through other problems what have happened as some of you know when I was younger I was sexually assaulted by someone, since then my life went downhill getting into the wrong crowds, drinking , drugs , police ect... if someone can take me back to the day that will happened and made me avoid all of that.. Then I wouldn’t be writing this or be where I ‘am today... I got moved into a care home, my family couldn’t cope with my constant arguments, alcohol abuse and laziness. I don't blame them it can’t have been any easy decision. I don't see us ever building the relationship back things have gotten too bad for that maybe one day we can be civil. Time away has helped me grow up a lot... here we get in trouble for doing things and not just get away with everything like I did at home; it’s not easy only seeing your daughter 2 or 3 times each week but time apart, like I say has helped me, I no longer  put myself first... Even better than that is that I’m sitting GCSEs this year (English exams), I got kicked off my college course... I didn't leave; the teachers weren't impressed with my attitude... When you haven’t been at school for over 2 years you kind of forget that there are other students around you... social services weren't happy after fighting for me to get the place but I suppose I wasn’t ready; at the educational unit it’s much better I haven’t decide if I want to go to college yet.. I suppose 'mainstream' education isn't for me at the moment.. My ideal job would be to do up properties and rent them out but who knows what the future holds.  As far as I’m concerned in the future it will be me, my daughter and my dogs, I’m done with boys each one of them treat you like shit, its best to be single so I can spend every moment I got with my daughter. Her future won’t turn out like mine...

Take Care.